And The Single Panda
by Mad Dog
He did what any
self-respecting panda would do: he jumped her, bit her, pinned her down,
and asked her repeatedly, “Who’s your daddy?”
||It’s spring, so our
thoughts naturally turn to sex. It’s true this time of year also makes
us think about cook-outs, the beach, and trading our winter clothes for
shorts and tank tops which have mysteriously shrunk over the winter, but
face it, right now they all make you think of one thing: sex.
This is a natural occurrence, since spring is the
time of renewal, rising sap, warmer days, and lots of exposed fish-belly
white flesh. It’s not just us, this also happens to animals. Not the
cook-outs, thoughts of the beach, and exposed flesh—after all, they
walk around exposed all the time—but rather the quest for sex. As the
song says, birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Of course
what that song doesn’t tell you is that pandas like to do it rough.
It’s true. This spring Tian Tian, a 265-pound
male panda at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., decided that after
15 months of playing silly little panda games with Mei Xiang—the only
panda in the world without a redundant name—it was time to get down to
business. So he did what any self-respecting panda would do: he jumped
her, bit her, pinned her down, and asked her repeatedly, “Who’s your
daddy?” Naturally she ran up a tree and stayed there for 36 hours,
only coming down to eat, then quickly scamper back up.
years of hard work, guilt, coercion, and bribery, women have finally
gotten most men to realize that foreplay is important. And the men
actually believe it.
||You could easily chalk
this up to adolescent sexual behavior, except pandas don’t go through
adolescence, only humans do that. Even our ancestors didn’t have an
adolescent phase, or at least that’s what scientists tell us. They say
we’ve only been going through adolescence for the past 1.5 million
years, which is about how long it feels like a teenage boy goes through
it, especially if you’re his parents. This means that the less highly
developed members of our family tree, such as Homo erectus,
Australopithecus, and Carrot Top, didn’t have to spend their formative
years dealing with acne, turn-on-a-dime temper tantrums, and hiding Mad
Magazine from their parents because it was supposed to be bad for them.
Okay, actually Carrot Top did. And still does. And always will. But the
What were the officials at the National Zoo
expecting, anyway? They got the pandas from China hoping they would mate
because nothing attracts visitors to a zoo like the chance to see hot,
nasty panda love. Except maybe Jennifer Lopez and Tonya Harding mud
wrestling, but that’s out of the question because they’re under
contract to do it on Fox’s upcoming special, When Bad TV Shows Go
Worse Than You Could Ever Imagine. It certainly didn’t help that
someone at the zoo went and named the pandas Mei Xiang and Tian Tian,
which mean "beautiful fragrance" and “more and more."
If this doesn’t sound like they were trying to set them up, I don’t
know what does.
Most men don’t see that there’s a problem with
panda sex. After all, they think jumping on a woman, biting her, pinning
her down, and asking her repeatedly, “Who’s your daddy?” is
standard behavior. It’s called foreplay. If they were to do this and
the woman decided to climb a tree and stay there for 36 hours they’d
just make good use of the time by reveling in having the remote to
themselves, not feeling pressured to change their T-shirt even though
it’s covered in Chee-tos finger smears, and discovering that 3-day-old
Krispy Kremes taste just fine after 2 minutes in the microwave at full
power. Though they probably wouldn’t admit that they ruined four
doughnuts before they figured out it’s better to wait until afterwards
to top it with chocolate fudge swirl chunk ice cream.
to modern farming, women may be able to make sure men don’t ever
bother them again.
||Thanks to years of hard
work, guilt, coercion, and bribery, women have finally gotten most men
to realize that foreplay is important. And the men actually believe it.
That’s because they figured out that without foreplay there will be no
sex, and without sex they won’t get to fall asleep quickly. Some men,
in their eternal quest to do things the quick and easy way, have managed
to bypass the foreplay and even have a doctor’s note excusing them
from it. That’s because they suffer from a recently identified medical
disorder called “sleep sex.” This is a lot like sleep walking and
talking in your sleep except it’s a lot more fun. And like walking and
talking in your sleep, you don’t remember it the next day, you don’t
have to feel accountable for your actions, and it’s perfectly okay to
fall asleep immediately afterwards because, after all, you never really
woke up. It’s a man’s dream disorder.
But all this may be moot soon, because thanks to
modern farming, women may be able to make sure men don’t ever bother
them again. In laboratory experiments conducted at the University of
California at Berkeley, scientists found that male African clawed frogs
which were exposed to a common farm weed killer ended up with lowered
testosterone levels, smaller than normal voice boxes, and multiple or
mixed sets of male and female sex organs. In other words, a little
atrazine sprinkled in a man’s beer could result in his not caring much
about sex, not being able to ask “Who’s your daddy?” in a voice
low enough to sound manly, and should he actually desire sex, being able
to do it by himself.
But don’t worry, even if this happens spring
still arrive. And with it the thoughts of cook-outs, the beach, and
pulling out the T-shirts and shorts. And if without sex it all seems a
little dull, there are always the pandas at the zoo. They’ll still
know how to have a good time.
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for the panda to come down from the tree.