Jobs Are Not Created Equal
by Mad Dog
I think they were
trying to impress upon me that whatever I wanted to do with my life was
okay. Well, as long as I made enough money to take care of them in their
||Jobs are like soul mates,
they say we each have a perfect match out there somewhere, itís just a
matter of finding it. Of course they also say the harder you work the
more money youíll make, itís the thought that counts, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger can save California the same way he keeps saving John
Connor. The trick, of course, is finding that ideal career. This can
involve a lot of trial and error, which is why my career path resembles
Robert Downey, Jr. taking a sobriety test. But thatís okay, I figure
sooner or later Iíll stumble upon the right thing. Hey, even a blind
squirrel will find an acorn sooner or later.
This isnít to say we should try
anything that comes along. After all, there are definitely jobs I know I
donít want. When I was growing up my parents used to say it was a good
thing there were people who didnít mind being garbage men because they
didnít want to do it. I think they were trying to impress upon me that
whatever I wanted to do with my life was okay. Well, as long as I made
enough money to take care of them in their old age. Trust me, Iím not
happy about letting them down, though I do feel good that I can help my
mother from time to time by making her nice new cardboard signs that
say, ďWill demonstrate my walker for money.Ē
Another job I
donít want is roadside urine collector. This is one of those careers
that the Birkman Personality Quiz doesnít usually recommend. At least
I hope not.
|| While I donít
have any desire to be a garbage manónothing personal, itís just that
I canít imagine waking up that earlyóit would still be better than
some other jobs. A few days ago a whale washed up on a beach in San
Francisco. A dead one. A very stinky rotting dead one. A scientist had
the fun job of sawing off the decomposing animalís head and fins,
which took the better part of an afternoon. While not nearly as
disgusting as being the poor projectionist who has to watch Charlieís
AngelsóFull Throttle over and over, it nevertheless wonít make
my list of Top 100 Jobs I Have To Try In My Lifetime.
job I donít want is roadside urine collector. This is one of those
careers that the Birkman Personality Quiz doesnít usually recommend.
At least I hope not. In case youíve blocked it from your mind, the
Birkman Personality Quiz is the test you took in school which was
supposed to help you discover which careers youíre best suited for.
Itís the one that asked whether youíd rather watch an opera naked
while sitting on a block of ice or listen to adorable, rich, white,
middle class, teenage pop stars with perfect bodies whine about how
difficult life is, a career way too many kids are having recommended to
Years ago, one of my brotherís
friends was told that his test results showed he was best suited to be
either a farmer or a priest. He didnít listen and went on to become a
successful lawyer, which only goes to show how inaccurate the test is.
It was on the right track though, since heís done rather well for
himself planting seeds of doubt in jurorsí minds and convincing
clients to have unshakeable faith in him even when he forgets their
name, but it still needs to be updated. Especially since it doesnít
recommend that anyone become a roadside urine collector yet it still
tells students to become doctors, politicians, and Carrot Top. As if we
need any more of them.
This is actually the anti-job, since heís paying for the
privilege of working, something I sincerely hope other employersó
especially my editorsódonít pick up on anytime soon.
this isnít a career I ever thought the world neededóroadside urine
collector, that isóbut it does. Apparently there are people driving
cars who donít want to waste time pulling into a rest stop to get rid
of those two Big Gulps they had for breakfast, so they pee in a bottle
and toss it out the car window. State road crews, not being able to tell
at a glance whether the bottles contain Gatorade, liquid anthrax, or
recycled coffee, are calling the hazardous materials team to get rid of
them, at an average cost of $2,500 per run. On one run, a crew in
California collected 300 bottles, which are sitting in a state office
right this minute waiting to be reclaimed by the rightful owners. After
30 days theyíll auction them off, so keep your eye on eBay.
of eBay, it can be a good resource if youíre looking for a new job.
Fox Sports recently auctioned off a position as sportswriter-for-a-day
and some guy forked over $310 so he can write a story about a NASCAR
race and have it posted on the networkís web site. This is actually
the anti-job, since heís paying for the privilege of working,
something I sincerely hope other employersóespecially my
editorsódonít pick up on anytime soon. I have news for him, people
are paid to do that kind of work, even Rush Limbaugh. Thatís right,
Rush is joining the line-up on ESPNís Sunday NFL Countdown,
which is his consolation prize for having been glossed over for Dennis
Miller a few years back when Monday Night Football was suicidal
but didnít feel up to calling a crisis hotline for help. Millerís
lack of success should in no way be an object lesson for Limbaugh. After
all, who doesnít want to see him humiliated on live TV?
All this should make you feel a
little better about your job. Especially if your day isnít spent
decapitating rotting whales, collecting discarded urine bottles, or
bidding in online auctions for a fake, one-time career. Then again, it
might be inspiration. After all, itís never too late to make a career
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while looking for an empty bottle to use in the car.