In any case, according to scientists, one physical brain is pretty much like the other. That’s right, the difference between two brains, like say Albert Einstein’s and Jesse Helms’, is negligible. Aside from the fact that in this case neither of them shows any sign of neural activity.

     Einstein’s shouldn’t. After all, it’s been sitting in a cafeteria-size mayonnaise jar full of formaldehyde for 44 years, taking up precious cardboard box space in the Kansas office of Dr. Thomas Harvey. Harvey is the doctor who performed the autopsy on Einstein, saving the brain even though he didn’t have permission. In some states—okay all of them—this is what’s called theft. But the Einstein family let him keep it, probably because he used the convincing argument that "It's too light for a doorstop, too wet for a paperweight ,and you'll need to get your hands on a second one if you’re going to use it as a bookend."

     They did, however, discover something interesting—it turns out the parietal operculum (Latin for "icky brain stuff") was missing. They called Dr. Harvey, the guy who stole—I mean yanked it out in the first place, but he swore he didn’t have it.

     That’s how they came to postulate a theory, which lucky for them is legal in Canada. At least during any month ending in ‘R’. They theorized that the lack of the parietal operculum (or "missing gunk") left a gap so another part of the brain (technically called "other stuff") grew larger than usual, which may have accounted for Einstein’s ability to stay dead all these years without his brain. Oh yeah, and come up with those high falutin’ theories of his.

     Scientists are convinced that by examining and probing the brain they'll eventually understand how it works. Right. These are, after all, people who have trouble remembering to zip up their musca domestica. Or call it a fly like the rest of us.

     Probing the brain with forceps, a scalpel, and a Ronco Home Garnish Tool isn’t going to reveal but so much. The brain will always do unpredictable things. An article in the June issue of the Southern Medical Journal ("Y’all turn your head and cough, now, ya heah?") says psychotic patients are starting to have delusions about being controlled by the Internet, replacing such standbys as Communists, the CIA, radio waves, and that voice on Punky Brewster reruns that keeps telling me to wear Tupperware in my pants so I don’t become sterile.

     Yes, the Internet is now The Official Delusion of the New Millennium. The article tells of a man who was convinced that someone placed Internet bugs in his ears that could read his mind and control his thoughts. And that his web page was linked to his extremities so when certain keys were pressed his arms and legs would jump. Sounds like the next generation of sex chat rooms if you ask me.